THE Shit...

Christmas is over.   YES!  There I said it.   Fuck Christmas up it's snowy arse.  ( no offence intended to givers of lovely presents-shame on givers of shit presents)  Sadly I didn't get anything to rival last year's racket shaped, electric fly zapper.

My new Superga trainers.  (www.superga.co.uk)  I have some size issues with converse and have finally given up and cheated. 
 
My mobile network, 3 , let me off a 20 quid admin fee after I sent my (finally dying) phone to them.  Yey!
 
My pilates class starts again this week.  I have some joint issues and the class really helps.  All I have to do is put up with the ever so slightly creepy tutor, and reap the rewards.


Just SHIT...

Waiting for my phone to be fixed/replaced.   I miss it.  My lovely phone.  Hurry up!

The clutch on my car died on Christmas day.  And when the garage (not my first choice but it was the holidays) had the car, they managed to find a few more things wrong... Hmm.  Our savings are considerably depleted. 

Stupid woman at work, being a relentless martyr, came in to work ill and coughed and snotted her germs over everyone.  Several people had a shitty Christmas as a result.  Stay.. At..  Home..You..Twat.

Bucopan Cramps. 

THE Shit...

A shopping trip into town, confined to a buggy, whilst I um and er over items cannot be much fun for a toddler.  I find bribery is a good way around this.  My particular small person has a penchant for fresh orange juice, through a straw (diluted of course) and chocolate cake.  The first place I tried did not have any chocolatey stuff (wtf?) so I trotted up the road to the Museum Street Cafe.  Empty places always make me suspicious so I had low expectations. 
The (I think) owner welcomed us in, was apologetic about me not being able to pay by card and assured me it would be fine to pop out AFTER we'd eaten and get some cash.  Blimey!  When does that ever happen?  After more apologies re; the lack of any fruit juice, he cut us the biggest slab of chocolate and beetroot cake.  It was so bloody good.  The guy ended up letting me off 40p so I didn't have to trog up the road and back to the cashpoint.  Unbelievably brilliant.

We had our work's Christmas meal and I had a really good time.  I was able to watch other people make utter twats of themselves instead of being one myself.  At least I think that's the case.  I suppose I should wait for the photos.

Just SHIT...

I have decided that Ricky Gervais' 'Life's too Short' is only funny when Warwick Davis falls out of his car.  

I hate almost all Christmas songs.  Even 'Fairytale of New York' is wearing thin.  To anyone about to call me a misery-shut it!

I love my phone.  It survived being flushed down the toilet.  I occasionally let my daughter watch Sesame Street clips on it.  MISTAKE.  I left her on the sofa watching Katy Perry sing 'Hot and Cold' with Elmo, whilst I popped into the kitchen, and on my return found her watching the 'California Girls' parody with that leathery old man throwing shapes in nothing but a blue thong.  Quelle horreur!

THE Shit...

Been to London again...  Hooray.
 
Had the best cup of coffee in Kaffeine. (www.kaffeine.co.uk)  If you like coffee, you won't be disappointed.  The place is tiny, but, great looking food, service and friendly customers- we had to share a table- make up for it.  (I cannot be held responsible for the quality of customer on your individual visit.)

I embarrassed my friend by 'ooh'ing at giant holly and pretty buildings...what can I say?  I am not a city mouse.

Visted the Floris shop. (www.florislondon.com)  Felt suitably out of place as this is no ordinary perfume shop, oh no no no!
This is a super poncey perfume shop.  Perfumier to the Royal family no less, complete with subtly condescending shop assistants.  I pretended to be my friend's PA.  I felt better. 

Saw some very cool christmas decorations in Selfridges,  and didn't by them...What an idiothole I am. 

Just SHIT...

The day I went to London, my train was cancelled  due to a broken down freight train at Manningtree.  Of course I don't need to tell you that this, absolutely, was the end of the world for about half an hour.  I eventually got into Liverpool Street an hour and a bit late. 
 
I wore new shoes...they are lovely.  Leopard print pumps.  I walked a lot.  Needless to say my feet were a total mess after a few hours.  I could feel I had blisters but I was not prepared for the state my feet were in...There was blood. 
I do not expect sympathy.  I am 34 and should know better.  However, I was not prepared for the pain of applying 'liquid skin' when I got home.  I nearly fainted.  Bloody hell!  I am such a knob. 

In a daze in the early hours of this morning, as my pest of a child was calling out for me, I managed to knock my phone (which I was using as a light) into the flushing toilet.  I will never judge people for this again.  The awful realisation that you do indeed have to put your arm in after it, amongst broken up toilet tissue and wee, is sickening.  Fingers crossed it dries out ok.  
So I've said I won't judge people for knocking their phones into toilets, however I  reserve the right to mock anyone who manages to wash their Blackberry more than once.  You know who you are.x

 

THE Shit...

It's my birthday today. 
Lovely, lovely treats...Went for lunch at The British Larder Suffolk.  OH.. MY.. GOD!  The food was tres-mazing!  It's my new favourite place to eat.  I'll try to put the photos on here... Sorry to Aqua8, The Salthouse Hotel and the Arboretum...You LOSE. 
www.britishlardersuffolk.co.uk   Just go, ok?


The Fades on BBC3... Sadly I have to wait for the next series.  Daniel Kaluuya absolutely steals the show.  Love him.

Misfits Series 3 on E4.  Great first episode...  (Please no ridiculous King Kong parodies this series!  Or gay Christmas sing-songs.)   

Made in Chelsea on E4...  It's terrible really, cringy posh people interacting in staged situations.  But I love it.  So there you go. 

Just SHIT...

The 'Woucher' advert. 
Whoever came up with that gem, please do us all a favour and kill yourself.

Our work's Christmas meal menu... 
Includes 'Bread Roll and Butter' as a starter, whilst all main courses will be accompanied by Roast Potatoes and a 'Penache' of vegetables...I shit you not.  (No offense to the organisers of course...what a truly pooey job it is to try to keep everyone happy)

I saw a W Reg, Ford Fiesta with the back seats removed and a 'roll cage' installed.   I think my advice to the owner would be 'Don't be a Dick'.

THE Shit...

'Red State'.  What can I say? except WATCH IT!

Parking is very difficult in my road...
A plummer parked his van in front of our house, and there it stayed for two weeks.  The owner popped back after one week, in a car, to put some stuff in and drove off again! I deduced he could not live around here and quietly seethed about it, off and on, for a bit. 

I decided to text him:  
    'Hi, I was just wondering if you were ever going to move your van?  Parking is hard enough in our road as it is.  Thanks' 
(Risky as I hadn't witheld my number. But, as you've probably gathered, I live on the edge man...sometimes I still stay up past midnight)

This is the reply I got:
    'Yes I know.  I will move it tonight. Sorry to obstruct your view'
I could not believe it.  What a good bloke!  I was fully expecting a 'Fuck off/it's a free country'or similar.  
And he did move it. 

  
Just SHIT...

It's been said before but it bears repeating... Humdrum Facebook status. 
(I've checked...'status' is the correct plural of status-odd)
e.g.
'Just made a cup of tea', 'giving blood',  'at the hairdresser's', 'defrosting mince', 'scratching my head and smelling my fingers'
-ok I made the last two up, (although I do do the head scratching thing).  You get my point.  Stop it, cheers.
 

THE Shit...

Flowers...good ones.  (see Just SHIT)

Forgive my indulgence here, but my friends are THE Shit.  I can have had the crappiest, most miserable day, and a few hours with them will have me back to normal.  

('WHERE IS THAT HAT????, but where is it?  Where could it be?')  Bonkers  ;)  Apologies for that in-joke. 

Just SHIT...

(film trailer voice) 'When Flowers Go Bad'... 

Here's a heads up.  NEVER buy a woman carnations, EVER.  You will surely never be allowed to forget it if you do not heed my words.  Lillies look nice but are funereal and the pollen is impossible to get out of clothes/carpets/anybloodything!  Never buy dyed flowers either...If I want my flowers to look garish and unnatural, I will get my two year old to colour them in with felt tips.  Always find out what sort of flowers a person really likes before buying...

Also just SHIT...

Sending impulsive, snotty emails last thing on a Friday.  There should be some kind of time delay function on email delivery...  Maybe a message that pops up and says 'Are you absolutely sure you want to send this emotional, slightly slanderous and ultimately ill advised, email to your big boss?'  Yep, that'd be good....Get on it Microsoft!  Chop, chop!
(oh I feel a little bit ill...perhaps I shouldn't go to work tomorrow)

THE Shit...

Metronomy.  The Royal Albert Hall.  Metronomy at the Royal Albert Hall!!!!
Really, really, really good.  Bonkers portraits of the band members were raised during the second or third track, which looked as if they'd been drawn by Napoleon Dynamite.  Very funny.

I wish I had the time and money to wander around London more.  Kensington has so many beautiful buildings.  I know, I sound like a tourist.  In a way, I am. 

Other Shit...

Watched 'Horrible Bosses' on dvd.  It was good, in a crap way... or crap, in a good way.  In the words of that geordie bloke from Big Brother- YOU decide.

Just SHIT...

My friend and I went to the beach Saturday (so hot!) with our little people.  We were right next to the pier on the sand.  The girls were happily sploshing and plopping stones in the water when I noticed a cloud of smoke in the periphery.  It came from the pier, about 20ft from where we were.  My first thought was 'someone's emptying a bloody ashtray off the edge!', alas no...on closer inspection I saw that a lady was, in fact, emptying an URN over the side.  AN URN! (and handfuls of rose petals).  There was much patting of backs and consolation going on.  I do not mean to be insensitive but people were SWIMMING in the water!  Bloody hell! ( Had to chuckle when an oblivious lady scooped some of the rose petals up to give to her grandson to play with)  I didn't much feel like paddling after that. :)

THE Shit

Being surprised at the hooded teenaged boy who holds the door open for me in a shop.  Two slightly scary looking girls on the tube, interrupting their chav-speak to politely ask me if they were on the right train for a certain stop.  (I forgive them for not being able to work it out by looking up to the map, because they had MANNERS!)  Hearing my daughter say 'thank you mummy' without being prompted.

Just SHIT

'Barbie', the student from downstairs at work.  This girl has worked in the lab for one year.  EVERY time I have passed her in the corridor or shared kitchen, I smile.   EVERY time she looks blankly as if she cannot see me at all.  I am not an egomaniac but this behaviour infuriates me.  It isn't just me either.  All the staff in our department agree that she is not only rude, but clearly thinks herself above the likes of us!

So Friday I came into work, went to the kitchen to put my food in the microwave and she's in there.  I smile...and am met with the usual blank face.  She moves over to where I am standing and makes a 'meh' noise.  I assume this is by way of an 'excuse me' and automatically move out of the way.  It takes a beat for the rage to bubble up...  I go back to my own room rather than share space with this girl.  On my walk back to the kitchen, (stay with me, it gets better), I pass her in the corridor, smile again(why? It's automatic) and again am totally ignored.  As she draws alongside me I say:
    'Rude!'
She lets this sink in and then:
    'What's that supposed to mean?'  I am almost too shocked at my own behaviour to respond...I have commited myself, I must continue...
    'I just think you are REALLY rude!'  I am scrambling to appear calm and not the lunatic I feel I appear... 'You walk around with a miserable face, you never smile at anyone! You couldn't even bring yourself to say "Excuse me" just now!
    'I DID say excuse me!'
    'No you didn't, you just went "meh"'  (how old am I?)  She replies in kind...
    'I've never even SEEN you before In My Life!'  I am so shocked...but this spurs me on, it's exactly proving my point.
    'Oh..Kay!'  Sarcastic.  I turn on my heel and walk away...(really hoping she doesn't follow me!)

Rude people beware!  I will hunt you down and make childish comments in your general direction!

THE Shit...

Dinner, with friends, at The Arboretum.  Really great food, reasonably priced.  Rumours of bad service were quashed.  Even with a party of 29 (including a very dapper gent in a pink gingham shirt and matching bow-tie, pockets stuffed with bottles of booze) in a seperate room, our food was served promptly and the staff were lovely.
 
Unfortunately, said friends failed to deliver any hilarious anecdotes for me to recall here... And I am stumped.  Clearly I didn't factor in the need for some talent when I decided to start this blog.

Just SHIT...

No M at work...apparently she is has been partying in Vegas with Diddy and Lil Wayne. (who??) :P
 Don't young, pretty girls with disposable incomes make you sick?  Only joking Minton, well mostly.x

The new Sure for Women advert. 
"We gave women these jingly bells to wear for one day so they could see just how much they move"  SERIOUSLY? 

Oh, and Mamas and Papas?  Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

THE Shit...

Ate dinner, drank wine, slept in, fry-up, lounged in front of TV, ate junk, drank beer, got ready, went out, got drunk, slept in, ate BLUEBERRY PANCAKES AND MAPLE SYRUP PANCAKES WITH BACON!  You've got to admire the Americans...their crazy food combo's just seem to work.  (Next I'll try candied Yams) 
And now...back to reality.   

Just SHIT...

My town is slowly failing to offer me anything in the way of a decent night out, unless you count restaurants.  Even my favourite places are starting to let me down.   Am I just getting old?  Is my only choice between cheesy wedding reception music and trashy dance that makes my brain hurt?  And while I'm on the subject, why do so many women want to look like WAGs?  Big hair, fake tan, bodycon dresses, french manicures and stack heels.  They are EVERYWHERE!   I'm not one to judge but I'm fairly sure they are all shallow, vacant and a bit thick.